Losing a Mother at Midlife, When the First Call Has No One to Answer
A mother's death in a woman's forties or fifties can bring grief, exhaustion from caregiving and a new kind of loneliness. Sometimes it opens into depression.
For decades she picked up the phone to call her mother about almost everything: a sick child, a promotion, a recipe, a bad day. Then the call had no one to answer. For a woman in midlife, losing her mother can bring a grief that is both expected and shocking, even after a long illness.
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, available 24 hours a day. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.
Many women in their forties and fifties spend months or years as caregivers before a mother dies, driving to appointments, managing medications, juggling their own work and children. When the death comes, there may be relief mixed with guilt, and an exhaustion that does not lift. There are also estate details, family tensions over belongings, and a house to sort through.
A loss that changes her place in the family
Losing a mother can shift a woman's whole sense of where she stands. She may now be the oldest woman in the family, the one others turn to. She may notice her own aging differently, especially if she is in perimenopause and seeing parts of her mother in the mirror. And she may realize she has no one left who knew her as a child in quite the same way.
Grief is not an illness. It is the cost of love. But it can overlap with depression, especially if she has had depression before or if the caregiving years wore her down. When grief turns into a steady sense of worthlessness, emptiness and hopelessness, and when thoughts of death or of not wanting to be here appear, that is a reason to seek care.
Signs to watch for
- Talking about wanting to die or being with her mother
- Saying she is a burden or that her family would be better off without her
- Withdrawing from friends, work and the rest of her family
- Neglecting her own health, meals or sleep
- Drinking more or taking unusual risks
- Giving away belongings or making plans that seem final
The question that helps
If a sibling, partner or friend notices these signs, the best next step is to ask plainly: "Since your mom died, have you had thoughts of suicide?" Asking directly does not plant the idea. Often it brings relief to finally talk about it.
If she says yes, do not leave her alone in that moment. Help her call or text 988, or call 911 if she is in immediate danger. In the weeks after a death, there may be leftover medications in the house. Disposing of them safely, and storing any firearms securely or out of the home for a while, is a simple, caring step.
Care for the caregiver
A woman who spent years caring for her mother often has trouble accepting care herself. Grief counselors, therapists who work with bereavement, and support groups run by hospice organizations in the St. Louis area and elsewhere in Missouri can help. So can a doctor visit that she may have put off for months while focused on her mother's health.
Practical help matters too. A friend who helps sort the house, a sibling who handles the paperwork, a neighbor who checks in on hard days: these small acts lighten a heavy load.
A treatment some clinicians may suggest
After a mother's death, if grief has become major depression with thoughts of suicide, a psychiatrist may describe a treatment given under supervision. Spravato (esketamine) is a nasal spray the FDA has approved, taken along with an oral antidepressant, to treat depressive symptoms in adults with major depressive disorder who have acute suicidal thoughts or behavior. It is also approved for treatment-resistant depression. It is not a crisis treatment: it does not replace emergency care or a hospital stay when one is needed, and it has not been shown to prevent suicide or to reduce suicidal thoughts or behavior. It is given only in a certified clinic under a safety program called the Spravato REMS. The patient takes it there under supervision, stays at least two hours to be monitored, and does not drive until the next day after a full night of sleep. It is never dispensed for home use. Whether it fits is a clinician's decision after an evaluation.
Love does not end, and neither does she
Many women find, over time, that their mother's voice stays with them in quieter ways: a phrase, a habit, a way of setting the table. Grief softens, and depression can be treated. She can come through this and carry her mother with her into the years ahead.
After years of driving someone else to appointments, it is her turn to be driven. Many clinics that offer this treatment begin with a free consultation where she can talk about the caregiving years and the loss, and ask whether an evaluation makes sense. A sibling who shared those years can come with her.
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, available 24 hours a day. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.