Caring for Mom and Dad, and Forgetting to Care for Yourself

The phone rings during a work meeting. It is her father's neighbor, calling to say he left the stove on again. She steps into the hallway, makes two calls, and goes back in. That evening she drives forty minutes to check on him, then forty minutes home, where her own family is waiting for dinner and her own body is waking her at three in the morning with a racing heart.

For many women, midlife is when the roles quietly flip. The parents who once looked after them now need looking after. Often it is a daughter who ends up holding the calendar, the pill organizer and the late night phone calls.

It is work done out of love. It can also be lonely, exhausting and, at times, frightening in ways that are hard to say out loud.

The feelings nobody puts on the care schedule

Caregivers tend to talk about logistics. Who is taking Mom to the eye doctor. Whether Dad should still be driving. What the insurance will cover. They talk much less about how they feel.

Underneath the logistics there is often grief for the parent who is changing, resentment toward siblings who are not helping, guilt for feeling resentful, and a deep, bone tired fatigue. Some caregivers start to have darker thoughts: that they cannot keep going, that they want to disappear, or that life no longer feels worth the effort.

Those thoughts can be frightening, and they can feel shameful, especially for someone who sees herself as the strong one. But they are a signal that the load has grown too heavy for one person, not a sign of weakness.

Midlife makes it heavier

Many caregivers are also going through perimenopause or menopause. Poor sleep, hot flashes and changes in mood can make every hard day harder. A body that feels unfamiliar, on top of a schedule that never lets up, is a lot to carry.

Body changes can affect mood, and they are worth raising with a doctor. So are the feelings themselves. It is easy to spend every appointment talking about a parent's health and never mention your own.

When you see your own doctor, say it plainly. I am caring for my father and I am worn out. I am not sleeping. Some days I have thoughts of not wanting to be here. That kind of honest sentence gives a doctor something to work with.

Small ways to lighten the load

There is no perfect fix for caregiving, but there are ways to share it:

• Write down every task. Seeing the full list makes it easier to hand pieces to siblings, neighbors or paid help.
• Ask for specific help. Can you take Dad to his Thursday appointment is easier to say yes to than let me know if you can help.
• Look into respite care. Many communities offer adult day programs or short stays that give caregivers a real break.
• Find other caregivers. Support groups, in person or online, can be a place to say the unsayable to people who understand.
• Guard one thing that is yours. A walk, a phone call with a friend, an hour with a book. It is not selfish. It is maintenance.

For the people around a caregiver

If someone you love is caring for a parent, do not wait to be asked. Bring dinner. Offer to sit with her mother for an afternoon. And check on her directly, not just on the parent.

If she seems hopeless or talks about not being able to go on, ask her straight out whether she is thinking about suicide. It is a hard question, but asking it directly shows you are willing to hear the answer. Then help her reach out, whether that means calling her doctor together or calling or texting 988.

Caring for a parent is one of the most meaningful things a person can do. It should not cost the caregiver her own health, or her own life. She deserves care, too.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time. In an emergency, call 911.